Game Review: Starcraft 2

Since Starcraft 2 is the biggest game to have been released this year, I felt that it was my civic duty to review the game for you so that you may decide whether or not it’s worth buying or indeed, downloading from The Pirate Bay. On a separate note, illegal downloading is illegal.

However, seeing how I have never played the game due to my being too shockingly poor to actually purchase a copy of the game to review, and since I am far too upright a citizen to support the nefariousness of peer-to-peer file-sharing, I will be reviewing Starcraft 2 based on this picture I found off the Internet.

                                           My review copy of Starcraft 2

I will be grading each element of the game on a scale from 1 to Megan Fox, where Vanessa Hudgens represents the midpoint of said magical scale.

Graphics: 1 to maybe Ellen Degeneres

This game appears to be visually disappointing. While there is some kind of glowy effect around the word Starcraft, the effect itself is marred by the overall blurriness and overpixelation which would suggest this game is perhaps, from a technological perspective, a remnant from the PlayStation One era.

I do like the black and blue scheme that they have chosen though. It reminds me of the Backstreet Boys, truly the singing powerhouses of the late Nineties. I will always love you, B-rok.

Sound: Rosie O’Donnell, which is shockingly below 1

I have been staring at this game for the past twenty minutes. Honestly, apart from the plaintively dying whines of this laptop I am typing on, there is no aural pleasure to be had from Starcraft 2. I know that sometimes silence can be deafening but in this case, it is clearly a black hole that sucks in whatever atmosphere the game may have tried to build.

However, after getting bored and deciding to fiddle around with iTunes, I have discovered that playing some Barry Manilow does actually help with the atmosphere of the game. Indeed, the dulcet tones of Manilow’s sweet, sweet voice brings this rating for the sound of this game to at the very least, a Jessica Alba. Or a Mandy Moore, since we are going with the whole Barry Manilow thing.

Gameplay: A solid Pamela Anderson

Just like the former Mrs. Whatever-Aging-Rockstar, this game appears, at first, to be moderately attractive and fun. However, spend some time with it and you realise that it just stares back at you blankly doing absolutely nothing. While I had fun resizing the game and drawing penises (penii?) all over the place, the fact remains that the gameplay is sadly rather disappointing. Much like the action in Iron Man 2, because no really, like three fights in total? What a complete rip-off.

Total: Oprah Winfrey

This game is overhyped and way-too-loved. Granted, I didn’t actually play it. In fact all I did was take a picture from the Internet and draw penises (penii?) on it. However, this review is as unbiased and accurate as you can get in my humble opinion. Why? Fuck you, that’s why.